It’s always come naturally for me to speak freely about my journey ever since I started Bipolar Bartender in May 2018, but I’m realising I haven’t been so outspoken about how I was actually feeling prior to that.
I have shared briefly that I’ve suffered from many things associated with bipolar disorder for a very long time, but I haven’t explicitly talked about it with people close to me.
I have a very hard time remembering things from when I was younger (side note: the photo above is from 2009…!!). I don’t know why but I’ve always struggled with memories from my childhood, in the sense that I don’t really have any, haha. Or well, that’s not true obviously but there are a lot of memories gone. I vaguely remember the first times I experienced some kind of depression. I think I was 12. Or 13. I had it quite easy in school when it came to studying, but I had a harder time with friends for a while, and had a lot of people call me a lot of names. Naturally that was very hard and I remember feeling very bad about my own person, particularly my appearance. Since I had a nice family, good grades etc there wasn’t really much to pick on besides my looks. The very first time someone made fun of my looks I was maybe 8 or 9. Man, kids are BRUTAL!
I moved away from home when I was 16 for no other reason than to attend a high school programme that wasn’t available in my hometown. At least I thought that was the sole reason, but thinking back I think I also wanted to get away. And so I did! And it was awful, haha. No, well, it was for the first year. That’s when I first experienced real anxiety and psychosis. There were a lot of sleepless nights crying, a lot of questions as to what was real or not and just in general a really bad time.
I was 16 then, but things started looking up when I turned 17. The remaining two years there were wonderful! I had amazing friends and some are still in my life, and I thought things were finally looking up! And they were, kind of. After I graduated I moved to Stockholm to attend university. I lived there for a year and it was a whirlwind and a half!
More about that in part two ♡