When you have bipolar disorder you experience episodes of either mania or depression but on occasion these happen simultaneously or very close together without time to recover in between.
I know it seems like they would cancel each other out, especially when happening at the same time, but they don’t necessarily. What can happen is you just start acting really weird: you might truly feel happy about something but you’re crying. Or you go back and forth between deep feelings of despair and total joy in minutes. It’s a wild ride having an episode like that!
What it does for me is in a way they do cancel each other out; I find it super difficult to know how I’m feeling so I end up in this grey area where I feel nothing. So it’s not bad at all, but it’s not good either. I also might seem my happiest ever but I’m really not. For me, sometimes I think that other people think that I’m living my best life when I’m in this state because I can tell that my brain tries to overcompensate by not having any emotions but also having so many by talking a lot (more than usual, haha) and being very outgoing, as if then people wouldn’t notice how I’m really feeling.
However these are just a few examples; every mixed episode is different (for me). Sometimes I’ll act/feel like a crazy person laughing when in fact I’m miserable and sometimes it’s a bit more mellow. I don’t get many mixed episodes anymore since I got my medication which I’m very thankful for. Any episode is hard to manoeuvre but a mixed one, when you don’t even know which side of the spectrum you’re trying to understand, is so much worse.
Luckily, I feel a lot better now and have still had a great week both in Stockholm and at home! I feel so grateful to have so many wonderful, supporting people in my life and though maybe I didn’t show it; I really needed all the love you gave me last week!